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11.4.03
Posted by tim at 11:47
If you're going to have grilled cheese on toast, make sure you know what you're getting yourself into before you begin. It's a heady brew and not everyone's equal to the challenge. The other day I had a couple of slices for lunch, and before I'd thought about what I was doing, I'd put a THIRD slice under the griller. Three thick, oozing servings of grilled cheese - I should have known my limits. Felt like an evil grease monster was stirring in my belly and plotting to take control of my body. But it was good.
The thing that gets me about those McDonald's ads is, they make it out like they're saving you a stack of trouble by selling those toasted cheese and tomato sandwiches. Everyone knows it's the most simple thing in the world to make - you make a sandwich then you fry it - so they have to show images of toast burning and frosted-up freezers to convince you that it's actually too much effort to go to. There there dear, you're incompetent, but we'll do all the hard work for you. Just a dollar fifty.
I'm going to pioneer a new pronunciation of the word "you're" as a sort of "yooor", so that future generations won't always type "your" when they're chatting. And maybe a Texan style diphthongised "thay-er" for "they're" while I'm at it. We'll sound like hicks but at least we'll be able to spell.
The aliens ARE watching us - they're living in my sister's old bedroom. But they don't want to take over or anything, they're just watching us because they reckon we're piss funny. They don't have limbs as such, so to them our walk looks like we're habitually splitting ourselves apart and kind of hurling each half forward one after the other. You know that thing where sometimes you lose your balance and are about to tip over, so you frantically windmill your arms around to try to propel yourself back to vertical? Well, to them that’s the best piece of visual humour they’ve ever seen. They could watch it for days. I did it once when I’d bent back to pick up a CD off my bed, and I turned around and they were all standing in the hall, pissing themselves. Wanted me to do it again, but you know, it’s not really something you can do on demand. So I got them onto Seinfeld. They can’t stand the other three, but Kramer has them in hysterics.
My grammar check has a problem with “pissing themselves” and suggests “pissing them” as an alternative. Well I guess pissing oneself is a kind of logical impossibility, but I can’t imagine what the “them” would be either.
The other day I was walking to the tram for uni and I passed the garbage truck doing its rounds. (This sounds really impressively early, but it was actually about 10:30 – we must have slack garbos in our area.) But the point was, they aren’t really garbos anymore, because the truck does all the work. They just drive along to each bin, and a mechanical arm reaches down from the truck, picks up the bin, tips the contents into the back, then puts it back down. If they didn’t want to be known as garbos, they could call themselves truck drivers, because that’s basically what they are. Anyway I was watching this and thinking, Now that’d be one hell of a ride. See the problem I have with those rides at the show is, however scary and exhilarating they may seem at the time, deep down you know that they’re designed for people to ride in them and come out alive. I reckon being picked up by a mechanical arm and waved upside down over a pile of steaming garbage would be much more fun, because there isn’t that guarantee of safety. The trick would be to ensure the grip was tight enough that you wouldn’t land headfirst in the rubbish, and not so tight that it would crush you to death.
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